this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
