i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
