my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize