that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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