my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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