she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
