My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
