What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
