Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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