How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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