I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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