MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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