You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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