how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
