there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
