Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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