So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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