got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
