You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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