Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
