cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
