In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
