i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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