im six kinds of drunk right now
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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