Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize