I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize