She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
