I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
