You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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