I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
