3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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