I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize