He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
