i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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