Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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