Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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