She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
