ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
