Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
