dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
