Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
