If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
