she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
