Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
