we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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