Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
