im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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