Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
