im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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