why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Damn victory sex feels great
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
