I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
