why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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