i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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