My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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