I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
