the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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