It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
