weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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