Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
